Day 5

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”—Zephaniah 3:17

It is getting easier to look at myself in the mirror. I try and remember that God loves me and has plans for me, no matter what my body looks like or is able to do. I have been really struggling with pain in my leg yesterday and today. It takes so much of my focus and it is hard to do anything at all but pray it would stop hurting and rub my leg.

Out to Dinner

This is the day that the LORD has made,

I will rejoice and be glad in it. 

Psalms 118:24

Day 3

Today was better than yesterday. I took a shower and washed my hair and thought for the first time in ages about going to a salon and getting a haircut. Went to the Rock Pizza for dinner where we tried this lovely dessert.

I cleaned up all the make up and brushes Belle found for me and put on a bit more today. I am thinking I should look on YouTube for make up techniques for the 'mature' woman.

Today was easier to look at myself without the immediate revulsion it triggered the first day. I still don't like what I see, but I am able to look without the constant negative self talk patter going on in my head. I am looking forward to trying on more make up tomorrow.

I am going to do this!

Happiness can exist only in acceptance. George Orwell

Day 2

My wonderful Daughter found all this make up in the house. I need to go through it and see what is still good.  Some of it is brand new from an Ipsy subscription. I think it will be fun to see what all is there.

I seem to be having a hard time posting today. I HAD to make a choice to do this and it is now 11pm and time is forcing the issue that I have yet to post for today. I ask myself why? I have time. Okay, not always 'quiet sit and thinking' kind of time. But I could have made it earlier. I did put on some lipstick earlier today and wore it all day. refreshing it in the afternoon, as it was not LipSense. I did take a picture. But now I have to look at the selfies I took and pick one to post. I have to look at myself again. I have to not only look, but scrutinize between a couple different ones. Teeth or no teeth smile? Looking at the camera or not? Are those wrinkles in my forehead? Wow I am really starting to look like my Mom as I get older... and I look a lot like my sister Linda... I always thought I looked more like my Dad... Today I am seeing a little more than just FAT and condemnation, and I think that maybe, just maybe, that's a good thing?

Another Journey and it starts with make up?

The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.  ~Amelia Earhart

So here I am...  fifty~something, two~ninety~something, and unable to walk any more without help of a walker and even then not very far. For very far, more than fifty feet, we need the wheelchair. Of course I painted the back of the wheelchair so if looks more 'like me'. But I sure miss Dancing and Zumba. It all seems so long ago. Looking on this blog I can see it's been 5 years in the making this demise of mine. But that is then, that is the Here We Are, This Is The Starting Point.... because,
I want a do over!

Okay maybe I can't have a do over but I can have a Make Over.  For the next 30 days I am going to put on make up, It may only be lip stick to start with as I need to buy some more make up because its been so long since I have worn it. But I have read that putting on make up or dressing up when you are depressed can help you get out of the pit.  And the Lord knows I am well acquainted with that pit!So I will put on make up, take my picture and post here a few lines about life and my feelings at this moment....

Day 1

Okay well, my feelings at this moment is I am nervous and scared about what I might find out,  that there is no more else, this is it. My thoughts at the moment are 'What the hell are you thinking?" and 'Hey I forgot how much I like this lipstick stuff!"  The hardest part is being honest. Looking at myself in this picture. I don't usually look at myself anymore. I used to when I danced. I looked in the mirror all the time. I realized putting the lipstick on, that I have been avoiding mirrors, avoiding looking at myself. I don't take many selfies anymore and when I do its because I want proof I made it out of the house. Like I took a selfie of my husband and me in Leavenworth last October, photographic proof I can pull out when my 'Negative Nancy" starts in on how we never go out anywhere.  I don't like looking at myself in this picture. All I see is guilt and condemnation in this picture. All I see is what is wrong with me. Isn't it funny how we will think horrible vicious things about ourselves that we would never dare think about another person? or maybe it's just me....

Me Juicing? Are you CRAZY?

Why yes, yes you are.....

Nothing has worked for losing weight and I need to lose weight so I can get a much needed hip replacement surgery.  So here we go....

I watched the movie 'Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead' and then went to the website, Rebooting with Joe.  After reading all the success there, I am thinking why not?  Desperate times call for desperate measures...

So we went out and bought a Vitamix and some fruits and veggies and are getting ready to start a 5 day 'Reboot' come Monday. 

Wish me luck and I will sure take your prayers too! 

Loss

Christmas is almost here. Before, it was always my favorite time of year. Today, it is something to get through.

In September we lost our 7 month old Grandson Jeremiah. In November I lost my ability to walk and sleep. I am in constant pain.  The tears are always there just behind the eyes or shamelessly flowing. I don't go out much. It hurts too much and makes others uncomfortable. Even at church, people don't know how to handle me, so I don't go.  I am trying so hard to hold on to faith. To tell myself that the Truth is true, regardless of how I feel.  Because how I feel is a darkness I have never know before. So many emotions grief, sadness, anger, fear...  all so raw and feeling so alone.  I am walking through the Valley of the Shadow... Lord please hold me, let me know that You are with me, because it is so dark I can not see.

Life now

So I am closer to a hip replacement.  My mobility is getting less and less, but I still am fighting to do as much as possible.  I go to the YMCA and take Zumba classes whenever the pain is not too much to overcome.  It's not the same as getting to Bellydance, but it is moving to music and I can do as little or as much as I am able. 

My Honey has a blood clot in his leg again and is back on Cumadin.  It's scary but I know God is good know matter what. He is working at the Union Hall as a Rep now and the stress and hours are a lot!

Rocket will be 3 this June and he is such a blessing.  We go out to the barn 4 times a week and 'play' with the horses.  I don't know what I will do with him this summer.  He is ready to start under saddle but who can ride? Also there is still no great place to work with him at the barn.  Maybe the Lord will provide an answer to these needs?  He is always faithful.

My faith has grown quite a bit over the last year. The Lord is my all and all.